Personality Persists

Sometimes the sacrifice feels too great. Am I too passive, too much a pleaser, too much a reactionary and not a doer? I manage to make the most subtle impulse to shift direction. ----not one big bold, assertive move. Nice guys have a nice life, no big highs no big lows. No big urges fulfilled, no big ego jolt. Just want to get along. I’ve learned in the past bold moves and expressions get (Mom) a reaction of wha?, of isolation. I’m freaked to be isolated. I’m freaked at the prospect of being alone, disconnected, and therefore powerless, at the mercy of the flow of things. But in my current sit, I am a little better off. In that I don’t have to be preoccupied with surviving. If I’m not sure of something, I call her. I’ve a crutch.

Also, I’m in an unusual position that I don’t have to work 9-5. I put together this real estate portfolio and now I’m a man of leisure, free to do as I please which tends to be petty and tending to immediate self-gratification---i.e. dessert. When I’ve risen above it, I feel that heady sense of accomplishment, look at me, I can talk to you with an authority since I’ve earned it. I can express my desires from a platform that cannot be shaken. A platform amidst the rest when I am connected and not isolated.

Lu doesn’t accept that my sacrificing my dear basic need of being treated like a man is in fact dear. She was never taught that and how am I to convince her. It would have to be a clear campaign. She likes it simple and creating an atmosphere of romance has been done by me. Just play the fucking music and they will get into its mood. But it may be my own fault. A weak dog attracts the alpha in even among the weakest. How to be assertive. How to get confidence. If I’m in a position of power then I’ve got it. I’m in a quid pro quo position now, am I really? Maybe I can plot either how she can stop working or how I can be on my own. Will it be as wonderful. Odds are high against it. But sure will have fun trying---(imagine: traveling all the time) But I’m too low key to have an entourage (think even the Gap tour, too shy, forced to talk) I’m not used to talking from my feelings without thinking. I’m a basic repressed person. So pentup that the feelings are mushed together and denied. Same old same old. I could be 4 yo still, no diff. Om May Ma.