Emptiness results when I failed to actively guide my life's flow. I have deluded myself to thinking that devotion consists of purely acting upon other's wishing, abandoning my own, and I will have a better union. In fact, the abandonment is so thorough that I have emptiness. But is this emptiness any different than what I have experienced at 170, at Lincoln St, or even during early 175 W? No. Learned from the previous generation? Probably. Embarrassed to not have created a situation that keeps me out of this trouble? Surely. Now I've reached a low ebb of the cycle, all realms: not well. The not well ways: all repeat. I can't have it both ways and expect to avoid the original malaise: take no responsibility for my balance.

Now the energy is drained out and have no fuel to resurrect, to take command, to lead a pathway out. The isolation is almost unbearable and yet comfortable---I don't have to act, I don't have to synthesize a happiness fabric. I know this state helps with the special social connections I have, but now I cannot use them to bail me.