Coming to grips; Ian and Micky Rourke

Having experienced the day with Ian, I'm challenged by me being too empathetic. It is as far from being with Lu or any other female because of his enormous boundries, I mean the limited ground that is "safe" to cover. The female needs a little encouragement to show that it is safe to advance. She naturally wants to connect and feel.

Unlike them, Ian starts from a comfortable place that beyond which will be unsafe. Ready to shutdown on a dime: "Let's agree to disagree". I sense he learned it from somewhere. He just didn't want to discuss it, to correct my misunderstanding. I don't think he knows what it was. Maybe if I approached it in a questioning "why". He just requires so much diplomatic work that I find that I am not willing to do the work because I feel little reward awaits. I have to nudge him at every step, it's very tiring because at each step he wants to stop. Part of my confusion is that I feel he is very inarticulate, probably arising from fear of expressing his "controversial" feelings.

Maybe that is universal, my Dad has it. Mom is not articulate either, but I sense she has no fear of expressing it. It is to be expressed through her eyes and through her hands, but it is a flow going outward that is being watched. My confusion is: does he want to go there, I don't want to reach out and wait. The confusion involves doubts of handling myself. Am I touch enough, that is, am I willing to stand on my position no matter. I unhestitantly yield when I said I wanted to see the play and he said "Not Now". So I just went into the car, not discussing it, no consideration from his side of course. I know this shit has to do with his Mom and Gerty (no you can't have the piano and I'm not telling you why).

He didn't thank me for my sacrifice and I didn't want to conflict. Generally, he cannot comfort except for that one moment when: he said the play was sold out and I stood there in disappointment, he offered to cash in on the dinner he owes me.

I feel when he asks a question, he can stay with me for maybe a sentance. I couldn't believe he wasn't looking at me while I talked. Yet, I allowed it to go on without saying anything. (I wish I could discuss this with Carsin) I did become hostile with the 'I want my soup but I won't get up to get it'. I got it, I provoked a thank you ( where's my tip), and I said, I couldn't stand listening to you complain. He didn't like that.

(Well, writing is difficult because I have to stay on the next word while the thoughts are being pushed out of the way. Sort of what am I doing? It seems to not matter. Just do something and I will react to that and it just keeps going. I don't expect to create something that will exist on its own and continue to exude what I am. What I am is some atmosphere, some vibes, some combination of attitude. )

I did love the walking tour of downtown of sites related to the revolution, I loved hearing about the attitudes of Jefferson, the tongue of Hamilton, the character of Washington. They are presences that I can be close to and that I admire. They take action, unlike me. I must consider what to do. I'm strongly influenced what others want so I can please them. I would like to do written correspondence since I can think about what to say, I won't get distracted.

The art from Mike Seri comes from someone who feels uncomfortable in the world and who sees an idealism. That drives him. His willingness to examine an issue deeper and deeper is fueled by his desire to be more comfortable in the world.

I disliked the piano for the boundries in which I must remain and occupy and understand, it must become well known and I tend to disdain the familiar.

"All men are created equal" was necessary for the survival of the men of 1776 but "all men are not created equal" was necessary for the survival of the men of 1918.