Lu's early life

The cultural revolution has been a boon for Lu. She would travel alot as her father would be designing West Points---places for the Navy recruits to train. Lu would be in school for 5 months more or less, here and there. Sometimes the class would be a repeat and sometimes she would have to catch up. But always she would rise to the top of the class. Her hand would go up and answer the questions.

Her father was assigned to Tangu when Lu was 16. At Tangu, too much fluoride in the water and She again was in the class and the teacher saw she excelled, he liked her. Five openings at the Naval Research Institute: driver, cook, work on a machine, ?, and wind transformers. The teacher sent her to the institute because it does research and she would be around that and be good influence.

Winding transformers required 1000 winds typically, of hair thin wires, without overlap. Then they would tell her how to design them---we want a 5V output with 2A, etc. Then they told her to go get the materials. So this 16 yo would go to sales meetings, all men, she was very confident. Then Lu would travel on the trains, meet men who'd propose. She went with Yang and his wife to his wife's sister's. She had a boy who played violin beautifully. Lu and him went to the movies and held hands. But Lu lost interest when she left. He failed the test the first time to get to college, so Lu thought him a loser.

In Advance English Class in college, Lu was the only one to speak in English, everyone else took it for translation. The teacher was so impressed, that he insisted everyone else. Her classmates thought she was so bold to speak English.

Lu's theory is that she has a core of emotions and millions of sensors causing her core to react. Her personality is entirely genetic. No purpose.

I finished my returns, no pressing matters of real estate that is pressing (ignoring the impending small claims vs LeVincent Morgan, ignore the apartment just vacated that could be prep'd, ignore the small things at Grandview, ignore replacing the sump pump at South, ignore repairing the south wall on the porch, ignore, getting the car's check engine light addressed, ignore washing pony today, ignore removing the germs from the well water, ignore getting the plumbing done for the master bath floor, ignore advertising on ebay my video camera, ignore taking apart the Canon powershot with the stuck shutter, ignore returning phone calls, ignore reading Brideshead Revisited, ignore determining my next book, ignore prep'ing for Hanukah, ignore prep'ing for Wimbledon, ignore check on our investments and getting to Imod what he needs, ignore getting backup done, ignore buying a safety box, ignore finish cover support on boat, ignore putting joint compound in holes in molding in master bed, ignore prep'ing the TV table, ignore converting the Dem's website to Wordpress, ignore about enrolling in a class at WesConn, ignore about tennis in Danbury, ignore will). I feel I'm again at a cross roads even though I only accomplished (per Dad) removing leaves on the south side. Looking on Facebook at those TM contacts from St. Louis and Mosie from Cambridge and what am I doing except having a nice light time. I don't care about charity work, I care about creating something. I miss NY and my friends there. I know I'm not amounting to much except being in the present. Sad that I'll leave nothing behind except money to some cause. What? Was energized by returning phone call to Roberta about buying another property.The day went by: meditated completion by 8:30 am. 1 hr looking for rental application on an envelop. 1 hr on kayak and yoga. 1 hr eating. 1.5 hrs removing leaves on south side. 1 hr on computer to sell camcorder.

Meaningfulness and Existence

My mind seems too quiet. If I'm out paddling in the kayak, I notice some very soft, low volume words, even phrase-fragments passing through. They don't loiter to have any effect on me. The bright sun, the green leaves flickering, the sound of water as my paddle pierces the surface---all grab my attention. No thoughts develop long enough to demand any attention. Those thought-pieces that do arise have as much distinction as the murmurs of water rippling when a puff of breeze comes by.

Am I getting stupid? I don't have any thoughts of interest. Maybe I've attained nirvana, that peace of mind to which ponderous people speak, often during hushed and reflective moments. I always thought of peace as having a dominance of quiet. A mind mostly made of quietuide may not meander nor moan in discontent. Now the external becomes more interesting, more dominant; so when I'm alone outside, it seems no one is here. I'm worried. If I move among others, they may only see a shell. Someone they call Jeff, looks and moves like Jeff, but Jeff may not be there.

In fact, when I do speak, not enough of Jeff actually gets expressed. I know I have more to posit but the words don't flow well. As if every other sentance comes out. They get the jist but not the beauty, they understand me, but they're not moved. I'm at best a catalyst, a few reference words from me and off they go. At worst, some awkwardness fills the gaps between almost connected words.

Male and Female orientations

After traveling with Felicia for 10 days, I must say that I was stretched to consider that acting from the feminine, aka right hemisphere (RH), aka focusing much more on my sensual, emotional experience of what is in my environment, may actually be functional and ---even rewarding! When I travel I typically put much emphasis on determining, finding, and scheduling what is the most interesting. Once I arrive at it, then I allow myself to experience it unfettered by management of my internal processes. Actually I realize this RH way is being more human than the nerd machinations. I shy away from it because trust is necessary and generally I don't yield to that for fear of ending in an undesirable state.

Felicia lets this RH way extend to interactions with people. She can 'get away' with saying stuff I often shutter at, stuff that has me thinking that what do they care if she likes dogs, etc. But her warm countenance makes anything she says go down happily. And maybe most people are not so critical as I. My key is to relax and have a ready smile and almost all people are happy to engage.

This new found respect for RH ways also has me re-examining how the lack of it has interfered in my relationships starting with my Mom and onto every girlfriend. It takes someone like Lu who has a strong male perspective to manage my tendency to extreme internal management.

This brings me to thinking that the feminine are in a better position to fully appreciate their more masculine counterpart (I try to generalize) than the reverse. That's my experience with Lu. How to bring out more of the feminine in myself and my companions? I dunno. But I will try starting with a ready smile and allow whatever comes to mind flower into manifestation.

Personality Persists

Sometimes the sacrifice feels too great. Am I too passive, too much a pleaser, too much a reactionary and not a doer? I manage to make the most subtle impulse to shift direction. ----not one big bold, assertive move. Nice guys have a nice life, no big highs no big lows. No big urges fulfilled, no big ego jolt. Just want to get along. I’ve learned in the past bold moves and expressions get (Mom) a reaction of wha?, of isolation. I’m freaked to be isolated. I’m freaked at the prospect of being alone, disconnected, and therefore powerless, at the mercy of the flow of things. But in my current sit, I am a little better off. In that I don’t have to be preoccupied with surviving. If I’m not sure of something, I call her. I’ve a crutch.

Also, I’m in an unusual position that I don’t have to work 9-5. I put together this real estate portfolio and now I’m a man of leisure, free to do as I please which tends to be petty and tending to immediate self-gratification---i.e. dessert. When I’ve risen above it, I feel that heady sense of accomplishment, look at me, I can talk to you with an authority since I’ve earned it. I can express my desires from a platform that cannot be shaken. A platform amidst the rest when I am connected and not isolated.

Lu doesn’t accept that my sacrificing my dear basic need of being treated like a man is in fact dear. She was never taught that and how am I to convince her. It would have to be a clear campaign. She likes it simple and creating an atmosphere of romance has been done by me. Just play the fucking music and they will get into its mood. But it may be my own fault. A weak dog attracts the alpha in even among the weakest. How to be assertive. How to get confidence. If I’m in a position of power then I’ve got it. I’m in a quid pro quo position now, am I really? Maybe I can plot either how she can stop working or how I can be on my own. Will it be as wonderful. Odds are high against it. But sure will have fun trying---(imagine: traveling all the time) But I’m too low key to have an entourage (think even the Gap tour, too shy, forced to talk) I’m not used to talking from my feelings without thinking. I’m a basic repressed person. So pentup that the feelings are mushed together and denied. Same old same old. I could be 4 yo still, no diff. Om May Ma.

Favorite Quotes

To take care of someone whom one really loves has an indescribable sweetness of which a whole lifetime cannot rob me ... Ella Opie.

I repaid my parents confidence in me by devloping an unpleasant ego .

Each pulse of lite was fainter and more exquisite than the last as if bidding farewell to the earth, full of love and regret. .. I. Nev

Got the damn car

A little bit of me died with the purchase of this car.
1) Now it's the inconvenience of it:
a) being in the driveway and having to backup because it's blocking the way
b) going through the trouble of cleaning up the garage
c) parking in odd places to avoid scratches
d) worrying about dropping the key fob (keep the $250 insurance on 2/year?)
e) can't park conveniently at Mt. Snow and worry with the car valet
f) parking in the city
...where the hell can you go without the worry of the thing. I'd prefer arriving in any old car and parking wherever and not worries.
The exorbitant price just so Lu is not trapped at home during the, say, few times a year I leave with the car. $45 fucking thousand dollars to drive 15 min to get $50 worth of groceries? Ok we spent about 15k$ more than reasonable and even $30k is too much for that limited usage. 15K$ for 2k$ more in reliability makes no sense. It's pure status and in our world only my parents appreciate that shit now that Lil is gone. And even if I'm surrounded by people who are impressed or feel I'm in on the 'made it' crowd, I want out. I just do not care for it. It's like she has an addiction, where the actions are not reasonable, she has to have that car because of the damn color? The color? She wouldn't have gotten it if it didn't have the Communist bright red color of her youth?

I do feel like a victim because I compromised my principles of getting the most bang for the $. As Lisa said, I'll have to make all new friends, including myself. This feeling was last had with Becky. Lu said I wasted 100k$, she works hard for her $, this is an extension of her always having the good life---even in China. Victim because we are not getting $45k worth of value, though I don't know how to determine value. We sort of got a good deal but actually they just went down in price from $44 to $42 from MSRP of $47. Maybe 10%, not so great when buying a house. But the other 2 dealers wouldn't do it. The 09 with 14k miles was $35 I guess. Subaru looks so good now. Lu does not open up to deliberation. She takes my input and I'm not allowed to know what she does with it, only when she's arrived at a new position and then she won't budge as if she would loose something---a part of her ---if she did. She did ask me whether it's ok to go for it last Sat when we sat with Ben in his office. I didn't say no. Is this same as me stepping up and going to China when she said I didn't have to? Like the camera, it's something she does enjoy and connect to. Like those Patagonia jackets and the Mephisto shoes, she will go over board, if one is good, several are better. She's exacting in all she does, so she wants objects on par with her sense of excellence. I'm more relaxed or as she says, sloppy, B+. Fine.


And I'm not that excited about the style or looks. The color is nice. I think it's too much of a big monster and the inside ain't that big to carry the tennis baskets. I'm sick of driving from inside a railroad box car while sitting on a cushy captain's chair peering down on people in their cozy nimble machines---an SUV since the mid-90's is played out already. If I had a 500 series BMW, or the Z-Nissan, or even the Prius or the Civic or even the gadget-filled Lexus IS I'd be more excited. I'd rather have all the gimmicks available like when you cross lanes, or blind-side warning, auto-parking, etc. I do like the gimmicks it has like the Bluetooth, weather, traffic, moving headlights, DVD in screen, oh maybe they are nice. For that $, I'd want to be excited. Maybe I'm jaded 'cuz I'm older or I've seen cars on the road so much that it doesn't matter. But I did love the RX-7 though I didn't take care of it. Maybe the Pathfinder oil scare is another example of not taking care.

I see myself as a guy who is basically poor (Like Pam's brother or Hus Nu) and doesn't spend money except on experiences: nice trips, food, and maybe shows. I live humbly, scraping like the tenant Juan.

I feel we have an intruder in our lives---some rich guy who is high maintenance and demanding our attention. Though our house looks impressive, it's rough on the edges brings me back to earth. Not fixing them is fine to me.

Her drive for this car is so foreign to me, to have the best. Sure we took it from our checking but that took awhile to accumulate---I don't know how long, though I should. It makes a mockery of our savings efforts and those of all we know. She's been nice to thank me for the car. I expect all kinds of life betterment, but we are still the same, just getting into and out of some fanciness. Only to others it may appear something fun. But to self, I dunno. Just sitting in is fun only to play with the gadgets. The interior seems classy except for the plastic doors covers on the inside. but it looks ok. The 2010 is classier by alot over the previous model years.

My sense of the worth of money is confused now, once again. I preferred it when the confusion occurred due to large infusions ala when I was winning big in the market. If only I had sense to splurge some of that or listen to Dad and sell it. It was pure gambling excitement. I regret not going on trips and spending $ to meet people. I just haven't arrived at being magnaminous though I have glimmers with the Democratic Town thing or treating Lisa with the gift basket or other things when down there. I really have to think more magnamaously, generously, how to uplift others. It feels so good. This car thing for Lu hardly does it. She loves the color, that's the main thing. It's nice to see her there purring with the soft classical music. It's too quiet a life in there (seeing her sitting in the car at the A&P lot). I felt no compulsion to join in. I'm comfortable in what I'm used to, the slummy world of the Pathfinder, yet it was so nice compared to the 95 Pathfinder and maybe on par with the 2000 Lexus. Funny how it is all relative. I cannot imagine that slummy feeling arriving with this car, but in 10 years it'll prob. happen. Of course it would be fun driving another couple around in it. You all feel so special as it compliments us. Royalty.

That parking lot at Tengda was just full of Bimmers and Lexus and other top of the line cars. It was shocking. I certainly looked like I didn't belong (maybe I do with the Patagonia or maybe I do because I'm all socially insecure like most of them) though my car was swimming easily in their midst, unlike the lot at the A&P or Big Y.

I wish I understood Ian P's view of $. He's got lots of it, expects alot for it, and is always managing and understanding its effectiveness. Since he's so competitive, maybe the $ game is his self expressions. Does it give me self-definition? Why did they go to Red Lobster? For the deal? Rich people going to Marshall's? Maybe people are not consistent.